The Lost Bet
by Alita Wind Alchemist
Summary: Ed loses a bet to Winry and has to dress like a girl for the week! What will happen when Roy's lackeys see him? Please review
1. Intro

"How did you ever talk me into this?" Ed complained as he rounded the privacy screen in his and Al's hotel room while staring at the floor in embarrassment.

"Well, I must say he looks good…" Colonel Mustang said to Winry.

"What the hell is he doing here!" Ed yelled, instantly hiding behind the screen again.

"And he acts with a certain girlish modesty." Roy said with an evil laugh. "As to what I'm doing here…well, considering recent developments, I thought that I should come check on you. We wouldn't want you life to be cut tragically…SHORT!" He finished with a smirk and barely dodged Ed's enraged attack in time.

"What! Are you saying I'm a midget, small enough to be stepped on by an ant!" Ed screamed, but his tirade stopped abruptly when he saw that Winry, Al, and Roy were rolling on the floor in convulsions of laughter.

Suddenly, the hotel room door opened…and in walked Fuhrer King Bradley! Ed and Roy snapped to attention, but blinked in surprise as the Fuhrer took one look at Ed, burst into laugh, and promptly turned and left. Then Roy and the others looked at Ed again and started laughing…_again_.

"Argh! Stop laughing!" Ed yelled at them, red with embarrassment.

"Well, you do look….ummm, well, it _is_ funny Ed!" Winry said, "And besides you did lose that bet!"

"But I didn't think you'd actually hold me to it!" Ed whined while turning to grimace at himself in the mirror. His hair had been braided into _cute_ little pigtails with _cute_ little pink ribbons. He also had a _cute_ little pink dress on (with inserts of course!) and Winry had even managed to hold him down long enough to apply makeup. All in all, he looked like he had been born a girl. _Why did I bet over something as stupid as whether it was going to rain the next day or not! Damn Winry! Well…maybe not damn so much as….dang she is cute! No! She is the enemy here! The Devil! Making me hit on military officers for a week!_ Ed thought, sourly.

"Haha! Of course you didn't silly! Now go get 'em! You'll have all the officers asking for a date after only a day or so!" Winry exclaimed, "Now just pitch your voice a bit higher..There, that's right. Now Roy why don't you take Ed to his soon to be admirers!"

And so, they left the hotel and headed over to the Central HQ.


	2. Edesina

Wow! I can't really believe that people are interested in this story. This kind of started as a joke with a friend of mine, Rina please step forward! At any rate thanks for reading!

Oh and can anyone give me an idea for what to do with Falman? I've finished the chapter with Havoc but I can't think of anything for Falman! Suggestions will be welcome!

Disclaimer: I don't own Full Metal Alchemist, as depressing as that is to say

* * *

Mustang's Office

"Why me?" Havoc groaned as he slumped into his chair," Why?"

Breda, Fuery, Falman, and Hawkeye rolled their eyes at each other said in unison, "What girl problems again?"

"Yes! Major Armstrong's hot (and not to mention rich) sister didn't even want to go on _one_ date! _I_ don't have enough muscle apparently!" Havoc moaned, not having noticed the other's sarcasm," Why me! I always find a hot one and then something always happens to separate us or…waah!"

"Stop crying! We'll find you another girl!" Fuery said, trying to be helpful.

"And then we'll find you another…"seconded Breda.

"And another..."chorused Falman.

"And another…" Hawkeye finished, exasperated.

Hallway Outside of Mustang's Office

_Ha, this'll be great! The others won't ever know until too late!_ Mustang thought as he 'escorted' (in other words 'dragged') Ed down the hall.

"So what am I supposed to call you?" Mustang asked innocently, "Edwara? Edelina?"

"Edesina," Ed mumbled.

"What was that?" Mustang asked with an attempt at a straight face.

"Edesina! Happy!" Ed yelled at a guffawing Mustang.

"We're here!" Mustang said in a singsong voice, "Let's go."

"Ummm, well, are you sure you can't just let me have the week off?" Ed pleaded.

"Cute as you are, I promised Winry I'd help make you carry through with the bet." Mustang replied jovially, "Now in!" He grabbed Ed's wrist and dragged him into the office.

"Hawkeye, Havoc, Breda, Falman, Fuery. This is my cousin, Edesina, and she'll be staying with me for the week. As a result, she's going to be around headquarters a lot. So don't mind her." Mustang explained to the others. Fuery, Falman, Breda, and Hawkeye glanced at each other and then at the drooling Havoc, but Fuery's, Falman's, and Breda's thoughts were drastically different from Hawkeye's. All three men were thinking along the line of '_She's hot! I can't let that idiot Havoc get her!'_ While Hawkeye was thinking, '_Finally, a way to shut Havoc up!' _And of course, Havoc was thinking '_Sex! Sex! drool'_ (and yes you can thought-drool, at least in Havoc's case)

"Nice to meet you all finally! Roy's told me so much about you all!" 'Edesina' simpered, "Especially you Riza!"- Roy glared at Ed to shut him up, but to no avail-, "He said he loves you-"

"Your gun! That's what I said right Edesina?" Roy growled at an innocently smiling Ed.

"That's not what I heard!" Ed said, pouting at Mustang.

"Uh…Colonel, I need to go take care of Black Hayate!" Riza said, feeling more and more awkward by the second.

"OK! Good, go do that First Lieutenant!" Roy exclaimed, practically pushing Riza out of the room.

With Riza gone, Ed struggled to think of something embarrassing to say about Roy, but Roy beat a hasty retreat.

"Uh, I have to go speak with Major Armstrong now so I'll just leave Edesina to the tender mercies of you, my subordinates!" Roy said while making a beeline for the door.

With Roy gone Breda, Falman, Fuery, and Havoc all looked at 'Edesina' and then at each other. What happened next can only be described as a very dirty game of tug-of-war, and guess who the rope was? Ed!

Ten minutes later, they were still at it and Ed felt like he was going to die. So he did the only thing he could do, he screamed.

"Aaaah!" Instantly Breda, Fuery, Havoc, and Falman backed off while apologizing profusely.

"Oh, no, it's quite alright! Your manliness was overpowering me!" Ed simpered while thinking with self-loathing, '_did I just call them manly! By the gate! A snail, no, a** flea **is manlier than all of them put together!Wait…this could be fun, all I have to do is see how stupid I can get them all to act and then Winry'll be jealous about all the attention I'm getting!'_ So, with this thought in mind, Ed set out to seduce Mustang's lackeys.

"Oh dear! I'm sorry to be here and in your way! Hmm…perhaps one of you could show me around Central…?" Ed simpered at the besotted idiots, who immediately began jostling one another and fighting to be the one to take 'Edesina' around Central. Havoc won, of course, he did have the strength of one desperate for a girlfriend. But then again, he might have won just because Ed thought it would be fun to mess with Havoc first…


	3. Into the Garden

All right, this chapter is where some of the truly crazy stuff starts. Please enjoy and review! Oh, and any and all sex jokes in this series can be credited to Gill and the other crazy and random people in my math class.

* * *

"Central is such a lovely place!" 'Edesina' cooed while hanging off Havoc's arm.

"Not as lovely as you my dear!" Havoc answered, looking deep into 'her' eyes. He was pleased to see 'her' blush faintly and look away.

_Ew! What kind of poetic nonsense is that? _Ed thought scornfully, _this isn't going to be as easy as I thought, especially if this dolt continues to carry on like this!_

Luckily, for Havoc, he didn't even begin to suspect what was going through the lovely Edesina's head. If he had, he would have been burnt to a crisp in the heat of Ed's anger.Oblivious, he continued to woo 'her' while guiding her towards a small garden where he hoped to talk to her more and perhaps go a little further…

"Oh! Where are we going now?" Ed asked the words like poison on his tongue. He knew what was coming once they reached wherever they were headed.

"Just a little garden where I like to go and sit sometimes," Havoc answered. _Of course, I usually come here to mourn girls not make out with them. Heh, there's always a first time for everything!_ Havoc thought, triumphantly. His thoughts must have shown on his face because he noticed that Edesina had a slightly apprehensive look on her face, so he smiled to reassure her.

_Oh, shit! What is this sexually frustrated fool planning! _Ed moaned inwardly. _No wonder he scares the girls away! _But Ed had to play along for now, so he let himself be led by Havoc into the garden where both would be in for a shock…

* * *

Meanwhile Breda, Fuery, and Falman were all cursing their bad luck at letting Havoc get to Edesina first. All they could do was wallow in self-pity and then later anger which theydirected at the Colonel because he had walked into his office, taken one look at the sorry bunch, and walked away while laughing hysterically. Their anger only grew when they all finally came to the mutual conclusion that everything was the Colonel's fault since Edesina was his cousin. So they formed an angry mob and attacked the Colonel…

_Ten Minutes Later…_

Breda, Fuery, and Falman were outside headquarters, protesting the right for female military personnel to wear miniskirts as part of their uniform. None of them had any idea how they all ended up outside with protest signs, just vague memories of Roy launching an encouraging speech about how he would become Fuhrer and make all military women wear skirts and them all crying hysterically and protesting unending loyalty to Roy…how odd...

* * *

Moving on…

"My, what a lovely place!" Ed said, pretending to be interested in the flowers so that Havoc couldn't drag him over to the small bench that sat in a sheltered alcove. He knew what Havoc wanted to do, and he wanted to run for his life but he couldn't blow his cover!

Finally, the two ended up on the bench and, out of nowhere, Havoc leaned in to kiss Ed! Ed had to focus hard on his favorite kind of cheese puffs to avoid running from Havoc.

_Wow! My fist kiss, and it was PERFECT! _Havoc thought, exultantly.

"Bleh! I can't believe my first kiss was from a guy!" Ed said afterwards, self-loathing in his voice. His words made Havoc's blood run cold.

"What! Wait are you…?" Havoc yelled, staring hard at Ed.

"No I'm not what you're thinking! I'm not a girl!" Ed said, enjoying Havoc's look of horror.

"You mean I flirted with…and kissed a…Please tell me you're kidding!" Havoc begged Ed.

"I'm not a girl, I'm Edward Elric!" Ed said smugly. "I'm only doing this because I lost a bet to Winry."

"Nooo! I can't believe that my first kiss was that bad-mouthed midget of an alchemist!" Havoc yelled, sobbing and tearing at his eyes.

"Hey! WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THEY COULD RIDE AN ANT LIKE A HORSE?" Ed yelled, jumping up to pound Havoc.

"Waahh!" Havoc howled, too lost in despair to try to dodge Ed's rampage. As a result, he was pummeled mercilessly.

"Alright, you can't tell anyone or I'll be in trouble with Winry!" Ed said when he had calmed down. "Hey! Are you listening to me!"

"I kissed a boy!" Havoc moaned, still lost in his own little world of misery. Ed looked at him, Havoc was a pathetic sight. So Ed, beingthe sensitive person he was, kicked Havoc. "Ow! Mommy!" Havoc cried in pain.

"Idiot! Get up off the ground and listen to me!" Ed yelled and Havoc reluctantly sat up. "Good! Now you can't tell anyone until the end of the week, okay?"

"Why should I keep quiet? Wait-"Havoc thought hard "- are you going to fool the others too?"

"Yup, I have to."

"Fine I'll keep my mouth shut…I wanna see the others wining in heartbreak for once, instead of me!" Havoc said decisively. _Heh! This'll be fun, the others'll get whats coming to them!_ He thought with a malicious giggle.


	4. The Cafe and a Mistaken Identity

Sorry that this has taken a while to update, I had it written out but I was too lazy to type. Thank you so much to the people who have reviewed, I like to know what people think!

Warning: may contain some adult themes 0.0

All right, enjoy my randomness!

* * *

"So just who is your cousin Colonel? I've never heard you speak of her before." Riza asked Roy when they were alone.

"Cousin? I have…a cousin?" Roy asked. "Oh, yeah. Hehe, long story!"

"We have time." Riza replied serenely.

_ Oh, crap! What will I say! _"Ummm…right. I've never talked about her before because my Aunt was kidnapped many years ago while she was pregnant. So she had Edesina while imprisoned and the two have only just been released." Roy said, warming to his tall tale. "Yeah, you see they struggled valiantly to survive…"

"Ok, I get it now." Riza lied to shut him up. _What an idiot! Does he really think that I would believe him? Humph, men! Fine, just to show him, I'll do some investigating. _And with that, Riza turned and walked away. Suddenly she stopped and turned around. "Stop undressing me with your eyes or imagining me in one of your miniskirts!"

Looking like he'd been slapped, Roy stood there stupidly as Riza walked away with a smug look on her face. Eventually, he turned and walked back to his office but didn't quite make it.

"Why do you have a suitcase Havoc?" Roy asked at the sight of a depressed looking Havoc.

"I have a suitcase because… I'm running away to New York to become a man-whore, because THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THAT I'LL EVER GET A GIRL!" Havoc yelled and ran off.

"New York? Where the hell is that?" Roy wondered as he watched Havoc run off.

Now, since New York doesn't exist in Amestris…Havoc ended up stuck living in the desert until he finally returned to Central claiming that God had spoken to him. Of course, that delusion lasted about an hour and ended when Roy slapped him in the face and he was partially (Note: I said partially not completely) returned to his senses. (A/N: Havoc's return transpires precisely 5 years after this story and, as such, can't fully be elaborated on at this time, thank you and have a nice day! P)

* * *

Random Café

"So, what's it like to be Colonel Mustang's cousin?" Falman asked, drooling into his tea.

"Sheer hell! He's ooh so temperamental. At family gatherings, he would always manage to light someone on fire! He was such a little arsonist, still is! Oh, and he's had that miniskirt fetish-"and here Ed paused and lowered his voice"-since he was three!"

"Wow!" Falman gasped, shocked. _How pathetic! _He thought, amused. "You poor dear to be related to such a troublemaker!" Falman sympathized.

_ How can Falman buy this crap? Well. I am talking about Roy here and it is believable that he's been obsessed with miniskirts from a young age._ Ed thought, amused.

"Hmmm…I wonder what happened to Fullmetal? He hasn't shown up yet this week."Falman wondered idly, "maybe the shrimp got stuck in a mouse hole! Oh, is something wrong?" He asked as he noticed that Edesina's face had turned bright red with anger.

_ Grr…they call me short behind my back! KILL! Oh, wait…damn! I can't kill him now, not until the week is over! Argh, I WILL have my revenge! Mwuhaha! _Ed thought furiously while trying to keep his hands from strangling the unsuspecting fool in front of him.

"Oh, I'm fine! I just don't know who Fullmetal is." Ed said, struggling to calm down.

"It doesn't matter, the shrimp is annoying," Falman said flippantly. _Why'd she look so angry when I called Ed a shrimp?...Wait a second! Ed…Edesina, what kind of a coincidence is that? But, Fullmetal would never dress like a girl! Or would he, maybe he is weird enough to do that! Hmm..All right then, time to investigate!_ With this thought, Falman knocked a fork off the table 'accidentally'. He then quickly dived under the table and peeked up Edesina's skirt. His face red, he quickly looked away.

"What are you doing?" An enraged female voice asked him.

"I'm sorry! I was just getting this fork from under the table and I glanced…" Falman's voice trailed off. _I can't believe I suspected her of being Ed! From my, ahem, _observation, _she can only be classified as a girl! _

_ Did he just look under my skirt! Does he know I'm not a girl now?_ Ed wondered, worried. Quickly, he flounced out of his chair and walked away, pretending to be furious at such an indignation.

"Wait! Edesina, I'm sorry! I thought, wrongly, that you might be a guy I know dressed like a girl, but you quite obviously aren't! You're quite obviously a girl!" Falman said, running after Edesina, hoping to make amends.

_ Quite obviously a GIRL! Argh…I'm not that small! _Ed thought, extremely insulted.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think that this is going to work! I'm going back to headquarters, sorry!" Ed said and ran off, leaving a very depressed Falman behind.

* * *

That's all for now! But if you want more: **Message me with any ideas for where Ed and Fuery can go! I need your help!** Thanks for reading!


	5. The Restaurant and the Shrine

Well…I'm sorry this has taken so long. I've been REALLY busy.

* * *

Headquarters

Leaving the records room, Riza sighed in annoyance. '_Why would he lie about Edesina being his cousin? I bet that Edesina is really Envy, placed to sow dissent among us. But Roy, why would he cooperate with the enemy?'_ She was nearing Roy's office. Pausing outside the door, she quickly came to a conclusion and pushed the door open.

"Sir, we need to talk." Riza said to announce her presence.

"About what, lieutenant?" Roy replied, smirking.

Closing the door behind her, Riza pulled her guns from their holsters and pointed them at Roy.

"We need to talk about 'Edesina', or should I say 'Envy'?" She said, keeping her cool.

"Huh? I have no idea what you are talking about. Edesina be Envy, how ridiculous!" Roy scoffed only to flinch when a bullet whistled past his ear and into the wall behind him. "Enough 1st Lieutenant, anymore and I'll take my magical gloves out." Two more gunshots. "That's it!" Roy pulled out his gloves and quickly knocked Riza unconscious.

1 Hour Later

"Urgh! My head!" Riza moaned. Sitting up she tried to get her bearings but succeeded only in discovering that her guns were missing and that she was in a large, dark space. Running her hand along the wall nearest her, she quickly found the light switch.

"I think I know where I am now." Riza grumbled to herself. One wall was covered with plans for how to institute miniskirts. Along another wall was a rack full of military blue miniskirts and yet another wall had photos of military women with miniskirts. Directly across from the light switch was what looked like a shrine to miniskirts. And the picture above the shrine was…

"That bastard!" Riza exclaimed, "I'm going to kill Roy the second I get out of here!"

* * *

Park/Zoo

"Ummm…Aaah…S-so do y-you wa-w-want to go to the park of the z-zoo?" Fuery stuttered at Edesina. '_Oh no! I'm so pathetic!' _He thought, panicking.

"Uh I don't know. Do you have a preference?" Edesina asked politely, secretely amused at Fuery's display of nerves. "We could eat first and then take a stroll." Edesina suggested.

"Uh, ok! Let's d-do that!" Fuery squeaked.

"Alright, do you have a restaurant in mind?" Edesina asked. Unfortunately, this only sent Fuery into a full-blown panic attack. Sighing, Ed led the way to the closest restaurant.

Unbeknonst to them, Falman, Breda, and Havoc followed them into the restaurant. (Well, actually…Scratch Havoc, he's still working his way into clinical insanity in the desert.) Anyway, Falman and Breda snuck in after the couple and settled themselves at a table in the back where they could observe the drama going on a three tables away.

"Could you please pass the salt?" Edesina asked Fuery.

"Um-uh, sure!" Fuery said as he fumbled with the salt shaker, Edesina hid a grin as Fuery only succeeded in knocking the salt shaker over and then had to smother a laugh as Fuery apologized profusely.

Breda and Falman laughed as they watched. However, Fuery's antics ceased to amuse after awhile so they decided to wreak a little mayhem.

10 Minutes Later…

Breda was holding a squirming rat under the table. A quick trip to the local pet store had supplied him with the poor creature. Wiping the smile off his face, he hid the rat under his jacket and got up to walk past Fuery's table.

"Eeeeck! Rat!" Fuery screamed, pointing at the unfortunate creature.

"Oh, a rat, let's kill it." Edesina said indifferently.

"Wh-what?! No, don't kill it!" Fuery cried, the rat turned to look at him and squeaked in a way that Fuery felt was overly 'vicious'. "Nevermind, do what you want!" He said, crining. Ed sighed and caught the rat in a cup. As Ed walked by with the rat, Fuery gulped and stumbled backwards to land in Breda's lap. As Ed disappeared out back, Fuery turned to glare at Breda.

"What are you guys doing here?!" Fuery demanded.

"Sorry, but we just couldn't resist breaking up your little love tryst!" Breda crowed. Fuery turned bright red. "So, are you going to take her over to your apartment later or should I take her to mine? I'm sure she'll have more fun with me!" Breda boasted, laughing at the look on Fuery's face.

"Don't talk about Edesina like that! She's a delicate flower, petite and perfect!" Fuery yelled, blushing.

Watching from the back door, Ed flinched in anger as Fuery said "petite". '_Did he just say I am a PETITE and PERFECT FLOWER!!!???' _Ed raged inwardly, with a silent howl he moved forward to stalk his prey.

* * *

Back to Roy's Shrine

Riza continued to simmer with pure anger. That picture had knocked everything else out of her mind and all she could think about was strangling Roy. To achieve that purpose, Riza debated how to get out of her _odd _prison. But the door didn't budge no matter what she tried. That picture…!!!

"Hello? Who's there?" A voice called from behind the miniskirt rack. Riza jumoed.

"First Lieutenant Hawkeye. Who are you, I thought I was alone in here!" Riza answered.

"Well, you see, I'm one of Roy's 'sacrifices'." The voice replied calmly.

"What?! That pig!" Riza exclaimed, blanching.

"Yup, we're stuck here until he releases us, or we die!" The voice hissed ominously.

'_How can even a madman sacrifice women in the name of miniskirts?!' _Riza thought, disgusted. "You're lying," Riza said flatly.

"How'd you know?" The voice asked, shocked, as its owner came out from behind the rack.

"Scieska? Why are you in here?" Riza asked. "I mean I got thrown in here for shooting at him, but why would Roy have a problem with you?"

"Ummm…probably as a prank. You see, he asked me to clean his office closet and locked me in in." Was the pathetic answer. "Umm…I have a question…"

"What?"

"Why does Roy have a picture of you in-"

* * *

Back to the lovely couple

Fuery was still yelling at Breda and Falman and so he didn't notice Ed come up behind him, dead rat in hand. (Yes, poor Chester the Rat died. R.I.P. Chester.)

"Fuery, I have a present for you!" Edesina cooed. Fuery turned instantly at the sound of 'her' voice, only to be met with a dead rat in the face.

"Eeeck!" Fuery shrieked and ran for the door.

Once Fuery was out of sight, Breda eyed Edesina admiringly and said, "Wow! A prankster after my own heart!" Edesina smiled cheekily at him, handed him the rat and left.

"Poor Chester, one minute we buy him at a pet store and the next he's killed by one tough girl! Aw, the ironies of the life of a brave rat!" Breda said looking at the rat in his hand, turning to Falman he added, "sing his praises with me, Falman!"

Falman rolled his eyes and left as Breda began singing an ode to Chester.


End file.
